What To Be Grateful For This Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite time of year. 

I am Turkish and I didn't grow up with Thanksgiving. The first time I heard of it was when I came to New York to do my masters in my early twenties. Friends of my dad invited me to their house in Connecticut for Thanksgiving dinner. They had three sons and there were a lot football jokes that went over my head, as did the meaning of the day and the symbolism of the food. It was the one time I met them, but to this day I am grateful for their inviting me into their home that day and making sure I wasn't alone. 

Many Thanksgivings later, I still don't know much about football and, thanks to my friends, I haven't learned to cook turkey. But I have grown to love this secular holiday that is about family, friends and being grateful, and thinking about who and what to be grateful for. So it is no surprise that a recent breakfast conversation about my new podcast with my friends Aaron Britt and Erik Nelson of Herman Miller (sponsor of the podcast) turned into a conversation about feeling grateful. 

The gist of it is that often I feel like I am in the pursuit of things I don't have instead of celebrating what I do have. In the process I forget being in the present time, enjoying the simple things in life as they happen. Our conversation inspired me to ask friends, family, and colleagues if this feels familiar, and if so, to help me start a list of simple things they're grateful for. 

My request to them was to fill in this sentence: I am grateful for this simple thing....

And to start it off, I shared my answer:

I am grateful for working with my friends and getting into the flow together; for family dinners, especially when they don't involve any arguing with teenage daughters; for those rare but lovely occasions where I hang out with my friends in far flung places and one of them breaks in to an old song. You know what, I am grateful for moments where I can just be myself. 

I am amazed, inspired and touched by the answers I received in a short time which I interpret as a tiny, welcome alternative to the current "grass is greener on the other side" social and cultural environment that we currently live in, where it is to easy to forget what we have and bemoan what we don't. This list will keep me going until next year and I hope you will find it useful too.

Simple Things to Be Grateful for

1. I'm grateful for vacuuming. The sonorous hum and balletic gestures produce a meditative ritual. That sensory process, coupled with the subtle satisfaction of bringing momentary order to my apartment--briefly holding off that undeniable progression of entropy--offer a simple, durable pleasure...the undervalued phenomenology of routine chores. 

2. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have an impactful job that I enjoy, a loving family that tolerates my eccentricities, and the fulfillment that comes from friends who bring passion to their pursuits.  

3. I am grateful for my robust good health, for my incredible friends, for knowing that what brings me the most joy is being of service to others, and for my drive and self-efficacy. 

4. In a world where mean things are happening to people and our planet, some beyond our control and some at our own hand, I am really grateful for all of the simple, random gestures of kindness and love by my family and friends.  

5. I am grateful for the ability to travel to different countries for work. I am also grateful for hand sanitizer when it comes to public transport. 

6. I am grateful for kind, generous, wise deities, ancestors, friends, colleagues, neighbors, coaches, mentors, institutions, governments, and family who support and hold space in this world for me to find purpose, opportunity and contentment. I am also grateful for homemade coffee ice cream, Havanese puppies, lingering hugs, spontaneous smiles, and every moment of real human connection.  

7. I am grateful for this email that triggers gratitude. 

8. I am grateful for each and every second of my life, for the moments I have experienced and for the moments I will experience. No matter if they are nice or tough, I either win or learn.  

9. I'm grateful that my son, mom, husband, sister and dog are healthy. 

10. I'm grateful for butter, pencils, Iceland and anyone with the heart and courage to share their story. 

11. I'm grateful for good health, strong relationships, and opportunities to bring out the best in others. 

12. I am grateful for the opportunity to share my learning with others and for the peace I get with being able to be ok with being vulnerable and comfortable with my three favorite words "I don't know". 

13. I am grateful for family, friends, a life of connection, laughter, color and dreams. 

14. I am grateful for this simple thing called LIFE! It has taken me a few heart attacks, three marriages and 4 children to revel in the simple fact of life! Everyday is a gift, don't squander it, love and hug and give everyone the best you can, everyday. 

15. I am grateful for everyone who has the courage to be coached and the courage to tell me I need to change something. Loving critics are those who make us better, faster. 

16. As chaotic as it is, I am thankful for those moments when my design (work) life and my family life overlap--having my daughter make her halloween costume in my studio, watching her trace and cut each feather, not perfect, but perfectly charming. Or having tiny assistants on a photo shoot, simultaneously messing things up and making things more interesting. 

17. I am grateful for this email (think about it).  And, every night when I go to bed I thank my God for my health. 

18. I'm grateful to my parents who truly made me who I am, and I'm grateful to feel their presence on Thanksgiving. 

19. I am grateful for wonderful friends and mentors who have helped me. I am grateful for having parents who set expectations early on in my life. I am very grateful that I will be a first time grandfather very soon. I am grateful for my health. 

20. I am grateful for hot water (showers) and cold, clean water to drink. 

21. Just last week as I was walking home I was overcome by a very strong feeling of love and gratitude for all of my friends.  So much so that I thought I should write to all of them (including you) and express that. I was suddenly very conscious of the fact that my friendships are the best thing in my life. Of course, all of the other things in life (that I'm also grateful for) took over and those notes have yet to be written. 

22. I am grateful for the love I have in my life. I am grateful for my good health and sense of humor, for the education that my parents gave me and for them to have insisted that I put some money aside while I had a good job. 

23. My dog, he's so funny. The view out the window. The view through my computer screen that brings the world to me. The people I see the most. My daughter and son who have graduated from college and got jobs they love. My husband, who's love is solid and who makes me grow. My clients who are changing the world by stepping into greater leadership. My ninja personal trainer who challenges my mind as well as body three times a week. My home office, made of glass so the room glows even on really cloudy days. The very tough experiences I've had lately that have galvanized personal growth. Today. 

24. I'm grateful for everybody who helped me fail and discover that failure is just the beginning of amazing new opportunities. I wouldn't be where I am if others hadn't made me fail. My greatest opportunities presented themselves to me after a failure. 

25. I'm grateful that I'm more optimistic than I am pessimistic. 

26. I am grateful for everyday when I have thoughts of how grateful I am for what I have in life. 

27. I'm grateful for the incredible love, knowledge and support shared from family, friends and strangers around the world, I'm extremely grateful that most people in the world are actually great. I'm also rather grateful for technology in general allowing me to feel closer to home, regardless of where I am in the world. 

28. I am grateful for my phone. For entertaining me. For talking to my friends. For connecting me to my friend who is leaving at the end of the year to Shanghai and to my BFF who might be leaving to go to boarding school. 

29. I'm grateful for my health, for my children's happiness and health, for having a partner who makes me laugh, for Saturday mornings when I catch up with the world, far-away friends and ideas while having good tea in my favorite china, and for long walks in New York City and the small gestures of New Yorkers every day. 

30. I am grateful for my family and friends who accept me and love me for who I am and for my almost 102 year old grandfather who has taught me resilience as well as to focus on what really matters and let the rest go.

31. I am grateful for the freedom to be myself and make my own decisions.

32. I am grateful for the abundance of unconditional love in my life.

Readers, what is a simple thing you are grateful for?

This article first appeared on Inc.com on November 22, 2017

How To Connect With Your Audience

Connecting with your audience is vital to your business. 

It is the same for when you're on stage. 

Last week I wrote about every business is show business when it comes to public speaking. This week, I asked for tips and insights from a professional story coach, The Moth storyteller and podcaster and founder of The Listening Booth, Terence Mickey. 

Mickey thinks of the audience listening is a gift and, if you've done your work, what you have to say is a gift. It's a reciprocal relationship.

Here are tips of the trade from Mickey for connecting with your audience when you are on stage--

Connect with yourself first.

Do the hard work of figuring out your story because that is the process by which you connect with yourself. Which is what ultimately will help you connect with your audience.

Anxiety is a good sign. 

If you're anxious you're alive. If you're not nervous, you died between walking on stage and standing in front of the mic. Embrace anxiety as your friend--it's your energy. 

Breathe.

Once you are on stage, ground yourself by breathing for 10-30 seconds. Count 1,2,3 to breath in and 1,2,3 to breath out. As awkward as this sounds, Mickey says it works. It is the transition moment between anxiety and excitement.

"You have to breath, connect with your body and give yourself that beat to pause, find your place, stare the audience in the eyes and then speak directly to them."

For a wonderful example, watch Amanda Palmer's opening of her 2013 TED talk.

Start with a killer 1st sentence.

A killer 1st sentence--like Pamela Meyer's "Okay, now I don't want to alarm anybody in this room, but it's just come to my attention that the person to your right is a liar."--starts you off with a bang and then you're off to the races. It builds your confidence and builds the audience's confidence in you. 

As importantly, you need a killer last sentence. Last line gives you force and a purpose because you know where you're going to land. 1st and last sentence are your guideposts and between them you weave your story.

This is in fact how Mickey has you you work on your story or presentation--write the first and last sentence. Then write the middle.

If you forget your line, acknowledge.

You are mid-presentation and suddenly you forget your line. Best thing to do is circle back to the last thing you said. Repeat it and it will reset you and you will remember.

You can also acknowledge it and tell the audience, 'I've lost my way for a second." They can all relate and will empathize and appreciate your honesty.

Connect with your audience. 

Make eye contact. Walk as close to your audience as possible and look them in the eye. Talk to them. And don't ever turn your back, even to read a slide. Remember that connecting to the audience is secondary to your presentation.

My tip: I now ask the stage people to adjust the lights during prep so that I can see the audience. If there are people I know, I ask them to sit where I can see them. If I don't know anyone, I look for friendly faces during intermission or before my presentation to introduce myself as the next speaker. I tell them I am looking forward to seeing them in the audience. It creates a connection even before the show and even perfect strangers are very happy to be of help.

Be yourself.

Mickey cautions that the fear of being in front of an audience often disconnects you from yourself. The trick to overcome it? Trust yourself to be yourself. Be charming. Be welcoming. Be human. Laugh and don't take yourself too seriously. 

"And the whole enterprise of a presentation won't work unless you have an audience. So it's important not to be scared of them but to be generous with them. And even though the content is important, the relational aspect trumps everything because you could have the secret to save the world and if you have not established a connection with the audience we're all doomed because no one will be inclined to listen."

So if you're in the mood for being generous, which is what sharing your story on stage with lots of people is all about after all, say yes to the next speaking engagement. Give the gift of speaking and you will be rewarded with applause, and so much more.

Thank you Mickey! 

This article first appeared on Inc.com on November 17, 2017

How To Speak Like A Pro

Every business is show business. 

Especially when you're on stage, speaking, in front of large audiences. 

I have given more than 100 talks in the States and overseas in the last two years to promote my book, Design the Life You Love. In the process I have learned how to be a better speaker. 

Here are my insights and secrets to public speaking:

1. It is not about you.

The best advice I've been given on how to overcome stage fright came from my friend Scott Osman, Brand Strategist and Digital Innovator at Good Omen--your talk is not about you, it is about your audience.

Osman says--

"We all know that many people get anxious when they need to speak in front of a large audience. That's because they are thinking about themselves standing in front of an audience, worried about mistakes they might make, or whether or not they will be well received. In reality, it's really not about the speaker, it's about the audience who are attending hoping to hear something meaningful to them. They want the speaker to succeed. By shifting focus from yourself to your audience, you can gain the energy of their optimism, openness and release your fears."

2. There is no business like show business. 

A trick I learned from one of the best public speakers I know, Marshall Goldsmith, is to sing "There is no business like show business," from The Producers before you get ready to "perform". I am not kidding. Adopt this or any other ritual to get into your stage persona--the one that smiles, opens her arms,  and projects her voice.

Here is Tom Cruise singing in Risky Business in 1983, for some fun inspiration (start at 0:40 seconds) on warming up at home.

3. Practice, practice, practice.

For many years I was so scared of public speaking that I winged my talks. I have since learned that writing my lines and practicing, out-loud, in the plane, at home, in my hotel room, is the best and only strategy.

4. Go off-Broadway before you are on Broadway.

In addition to practicing, perform live in front of audiences, big and small. Go talk at schools. Give the same talk in another country. When I do this, I tell people that I have a big talk coming up and ask them to give me feedback. For more on this watch Dying Laughing, the great documentary on stand-up comics and how they get their routines right. 

5. Work with a story coach.

If you're not a natural-born story teller, work with a story coach. I find it incredibly hard to tell a good story. For years I had no idea how to get help or who to get it from, but there are great coaches out there.

6. Make it honest and personal.

People tell you to tell the hero's story. They actually mean the anti-hero story. Tell your failures, personal weaknesses, the havoc that happened. Be honest. This by the way is incredibly difficult because none of us wants to admit to our failures. But people want to know you're human, not that you're super human. 

Here is how I tell how I failed at TEDxCANNES. 

7. Google what you don't know.

I didn't know how to walk on stage so I googled "how to walk on stage with confidence" and found there are films and tutorials on this. An hour before one my biggest talks I learned that when you walk on stage you don't look on the floor because you're afraid of tripping but that you look directly towards the audience and smile, as if you're walking towards your friends. 

8. Don't stand behind the lectern.

Eliminate any barriers between you and the audience. The worst you can do is to stand behind the lectern. That is like putting a fence between you and the people you want to connect with. You don't want anything to stand between you and your audience. Leave your laptop on the lectern, ask for a clicker and move center stage. Open your arms and welcome your audience. 

9. An image is worth a thousand words.

Add images (still or moving) to your presentation. Images, especially a few well selected images, can help communicate what you're saying at a visceral level. If you're not a visual person, a graphic designer can help you translate your story into a visual narrative. Keep it clean and simple. 

Word of caution: don't show advertising films. This always rubbed me the wrong way. You're not there to do publicity, you're there to tell a story.

10. Don't go over your time.

Cardinal rule of good public speaking manners: don't go overtime. It is disrespectful. No matter how important your message is you're messing up the organizers time table and eating into someone else's time. Time yourself, ask for a count-down timer on stage and/or someone who will sit at the front row and will signal you your last 5, 1 and 0 minutes on large signs.

Next week, I will share tips and insights from a professional story coach, The Moth storyteller and podcaster and founder of The Listening Booth, Terence Mickey. For total transparency, I work with Mickey.

And many thanks to Selin Sonmez, designer and entrepreneur on our Birsel + Seck team for inspiring me to write about this topic.

This article first appeared on Inc.com on November 10, 2017